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Hey. Welcome back
To the "Mating game,"
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00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,270
Where every day's
Sadie hawkins day.
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Woo-hoo-hoo!
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You ready, miss sweet thang?
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Yes, I am. Okay.
Bachelor number one.
6
00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:13,779
You're placing a personal ad.
7
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,647
How would you
Advertise yourself?
8
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:19,118
First of all, I don't need
To place a personal ad.
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00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:21,320
But if I did,
I'd say available,
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00:00:21,388 --> 00:00:23,788
One lean, mean, love machine.
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Invest in ceiling mirrors
And high wattage bulbs
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'cause you're gonna wanna
Keep the lights on, baby.
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[applause]
Okay.
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Bachelor number two.
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I saw shakey in love.
I groove on the idea
Of going out with the bard.
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Smooth.
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Can you write me
A love poem on the spot?
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Your lips are red,
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Your eyes are blue,
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All I wanna do is look at you.
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Okay. What if my lips weren't
Red and my eyes weren't blue?
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I'd still love you.
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And a do-be-do-do.
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Okay. Bachelor number three.
25
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We're trapped
In a roadside motel
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During a blizzard
One night.
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There's only one room
And only one bed.
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So we snuggle up under
The covers to get warm.
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And then what happens?
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We talk.
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[audience booing]
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Just talk?
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At first.
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At night,
When the lights are out,
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People tell each other things
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They'd never tell each other
During the day.
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I'd wanna hear about everything.
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About your childhood,
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Your favorite color,
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What you want from a man,
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What you want from life.
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Bachelor number three,
What I want is a man like you.
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[man] Seven million colors
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makes them sitting ducks
for predators.
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nature has made these males
attractive to females,
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who consider their fiery
plumage a sign of health.
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have I just been going
for fiery plumage?
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00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:04,923
I have.
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00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:06,324
my priorities are whacked.
50
00:02:06,393 --> 00:02:08,627
I've been judging guys
on the very criteria
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I'm terrified
of being held up to.
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okay. That's it.
53
00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:13,432
starting today,
I am on a manhunt
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and I'm taking looks
out of the equation.
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"Act fast. Limited time offer.
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ask me to
the sadie hawkins dance.
57
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love, stone cold schoefer,
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the hottie in
the green sweater."
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hey, ass in the green sweater,
keep dreaming, dude.
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00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,726
she's gonna make me wait.
but she'll ask me.
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00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:44,596
wait. Why am I dreamin'?
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stone cold is hotter than me.
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wait. That sounds sorta gay.
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[sam] Josh is available now.
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00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,905
he probably likes big breasts,
though. Don't all guys?
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am I dreaming to think josh
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00:02:55,542 --> 00:02:57,509
would consider going
to the dance with me?
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00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,544
on the other hand,
josh might be tired
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00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:00,946
of getting hip-boned
with every hug
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00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,981
and want a little cushion
for his pushin'.
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00:03:03,049 --> 00:03:06,017
there are about
600 guys in this school.
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00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,986
josh is out of the picture.
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three guys
are out of the closet.
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00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:11,790
so that makes the chances
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00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:14,926
of brooke asking me 596 to 1.
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the odds get even longer
when you consider the fact
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that I have the body
of a tibetan monk.
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- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
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- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
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[all]
I hate my body.
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♪ think it over once or twice ♪
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♪ what lasts
the longest in this life ♪
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00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:43,422
♪ character
or rock-hard thighs ♪
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♪ in the end do you believe ♪
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♪ that beauty lies
in what you see ♪
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♪ 'cause if you do,
then, baby ♪
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♪ you've been deceived ♪
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♪ well, me and b ♪
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♪ we hate supermodels ♪
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00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:08,480
♪ it's just that I'm tired
of being compared ♪
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00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:18,590
You wanna be on the wrestling
Team, drop five pounds. Next!
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00:04:24,297 --> 00:04:25,764
Yo, baby. Here's the 411.
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00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:27,265
Change that spare tire.
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00:04:27,334 --> 00:04:29,568
You're six pounds
Over your weight limit.
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00:04:29,636 --> 00:04:33,038
Not only that, sugar.
Look at my six-pack
Or what's left of it.
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00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,273
Brooke once told me
She loved my stomach.
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00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:37,376
Did I ever tell you that?
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00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,211
She told me that if her
Maytag ever broke down,
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She wasn't worried,
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00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:44,382
'cause she could just wash
Her unmentionables on my abs.
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00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:47,452
Listen. What goes up,
Must come down.
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I'm gonna hook us
Both up, bro.
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I'm on this new
Weight-loss plan.
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00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,991
I will be back
On the wrestling team
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And have a woman by the end
Of the semester. Word.
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00:04:56,429 --> 00:04:57,962
With what?
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00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:01,332
It's called the mummy.
It's a wrap-and-sweat system
108
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:03,467
Where you get tight
In cellophane
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00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:07,038
And you just watch yourself
Dissolve like a sweet tart.
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The excess water drains
In these ziploc baggies
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Strapped to your wrist.
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Just eat less
And exercise more.
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Get serious, g.
I've lost a pound and a half
After a month on the mummy.
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Ninety-eight more pounds,
I'm back on the mat.
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Cool. All right.
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Next.
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Damn, fat albert.
Lay off the sara lee's.
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The teenage years
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Are indeed a time
Of exploration, of questioning.
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What are you talking about?
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You were gazing at
Josh ford's bod, man.
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No sweat. I have
A fourth male cousin
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Who enjoys coupling
With other men as well.
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I'm down with it.
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I don't wanna do him.
I wanna be him.
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No. Correction. I want his abs.
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00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:09,133
How many hours do you think he
Spends working out at the gym?
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I could lift anvils for years
And not look like that.
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I'm genetically doomed.
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It's difficult, isn't it?
Girls think they have it so bad.
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Please. Ever since
gq magazine and the late '80s
Age of vanity dawned,
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Being a male and living up
To that muscle beach standard
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Has become
A societal hazing ritual
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For male tots and boys alike.
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Totally.
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And being so skinny
And hairless,
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Lacking any defining male
Characteristic of hunkdom...
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I pity you, man.
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A real gi joe
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Would have shoulders
As wide as a refrigerator,
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A waist as small
As a coffee grinder
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And biceps three times
Bigger than mark mcgwire's.
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Now, that would be a freak show.
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Likewise, a real barbie
Would have an 18-inch waist
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And literally topple over
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From the weight of her
Protruding cans.
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[laughing]
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You think that's funny?
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00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,891
Let's talk
About the effects
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Of these unrealistic
Standards of beauty.
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Girls are choosing to live
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Like cancer patients
Undergoing chemotherapy.
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00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:17,101
Vomiting two
Or three times a day.
154
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:20,404
Trying to measure up
To vogue's idea of beauty.
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The patriarchy wants us
To keep our minds busy thinking
About our bodies.
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But... We can
Reclaim our power.
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This week, for example,
Is the sadie hawkins dance.
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I love sadie hawkins.
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I live for sadie hawkins.
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I named my pug sadie hawkins.
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Because, for once,
Girls don't have to sit around
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Waiting for boys to choose them.
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Now, sadie,
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Our dogface diana,
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May have been symmetrically
Challenged, but...
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She knew she deserved love
And she went after it.
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And she got it.
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So, people, today I leave you
Not with a pile of homework,
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But with a thought to ponder.
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Why is it only the beautiful
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Are invited
To the dance of life?
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When we know that all
God's children gotta boogie.
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You hear that?
174
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What?
175
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:29,307
That's the sound of no one
Asking me to the dance.
176
00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:30,842
Why aren't they
Asking you, harrison?
177
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,110
Well, I'll you, sam.
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00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:34,345
It's because
My chest is concave.
179
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No, it's not.
180
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:38,182
My chest is concave.
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Nevertheless,
You're clearly a girl.
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So... Give me
The girl's perspective.
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Am I okay-looking?
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Uh, you have nice eye lashes.
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Okay, that's enough.
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00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:51,129
It is not.
You are totally cute.
187
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Oh, my god. Tuna alert.
188
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:56,801
Six o'clock.
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00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:01,172
Hello, harrison john.
190
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:04,109
Though you're not the dream boy
I have bondage fantasies about--
191
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:06,745
That would be
The hard-bodied stone cold--
192
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,448
You would be an adequate setting
193
00:09:10,516 --> 00:09:13,184
For the fiery ruby
That is april tuna.
194
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:15,119
Pick me up
Friday at 8:00
195
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,656
With expensive
Hot-house corsage in hand.
196
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,993
You know what, april?
You're too late.
197
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,728
I snagged him first.
198
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:26,397
Hey. Sorry, april.
199
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:29,968
I'm not sure if you're alpha
Male enough for me, anyway,
200
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:32,170
You scrawny, beta harrison john.
201
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:37,041
Ouch. Rejected by april tuna.
202
00:09:38,611 --> 00:09:40,578
You don't have to go with me.
203
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:44,648
Might as well go with someone
Who we'll have fun with.
204
00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:48,786
Besides, aren't you sick of
Mooning after the unattainable?
205
00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:49,854
Like brooke.
206
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,589
Like josh.
207
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:54,425
No comment. I plead the fifth.
Mm-hmm.
208
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:58,162
Y'all, later this week
When I lose my last 20 pounds,
209
00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:00,431
I'll be skeleton thin
For the dance.
210
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:04,603
Then, all I'll need
Is the perfect, gorgeous,
211
00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:07,005
Musclely beau.
212
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:08,239
Yeah.
Yeah.
213
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:24,522
All right, girls.
That is it!
214
00:10:24,590 --> 00:10:28,492
I am asking my high-buttock
Stone cold to the dance.
215
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:31,896
I know for a fact
He's available,
As brooke has taken a pass.
216
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,732
Mary cherry, I'm sorry.
217
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,534
I happen to know he has
A thing for caliente girls.
218
00:10:36,602 --> 00:10:39,337
He's begged me many times
To roll my r's for him.
219
00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:41,372
He's been on
My to-do list for weeks.
220
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:42,941
Excuse me.
221
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:45,944
Nicole julian and stone cold
Are like fashion and anorexia.
222
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:47,245
They go together.
Thank you.
223
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,681
Well, my, my.
224
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:52,250
Looks like we've got
A catfight on our hands.
225
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,986
What do you say we have
Ourselves a little contest?
226
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:56,788
Whoever loses
The most weight by friday
227
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:59,057
Gets to go to the dance
With stone cold,
228
00:10:59,125 --> 00:11:00,825
180 pounds of prime beefcake.
229
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:03,394
You're on.
You're on.
230
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:08,700
Hey, brooke.
Oh, hey.
231
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,635
How about that
Sadie hawkins thing, huh?
232
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,470
Yeah.
Girls asking the guys.
233
00:11:12,538 --> 00:11:14,372
Beating these girls
Off with a stick.
234
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,840
I bet you are.
235
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,677
I'm still holding out for
The prettiest girl in school.
236
00:11:18,745 --> 00:11:21,579
I wanna be more than the
Prettiest girl in the school.
237
00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:24,215
Did you ask anybody yet?
238
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,384
We broke up. Okay, josh?
239
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:27,585
I...
240
00:11:27,653 --> 00:11:31,422
We can ask
Whoever we want. Okay?
241
00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:33,757
Okay.
242
00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:47,771
You know...
243
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,840
Wow. Those lincoln logs
Are really...
244
00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:51,976
Cool, cause they're...
245
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,779
They're brownies cut
Into skinny rectangles.
246
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,981
It's kind of festive,
For president's day.
247
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,349
You have nice hair.
248
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,852
Thanks. Do you want it?
249
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:03,487
I probably shouldn't eat it.
I gotta lose a few.
250
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,789
See you, carm.
251
00:12:08,761 --> 00:12:10,461
That went well.
252
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:15,166
Don't tell me you're asking
That ken doll to the dance.
253
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,736
Carmen,
I expect better from you.
254
00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:20,538
Look at sam.
She's not out chasing
255
00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:23,007
The hubba-hubba studleys
Just 'cause the media tells her
256
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,076
She should value
A muscular torso.
257
00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,645
Thank you.
Instead,
She's going with harrison.
258
00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:30,548
What?
259
00:12:30,616 --> 00:12:32,783
Don't be upset,
My little anti-bicep.
260
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:35,419
I'm sorry.
261
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:36,787
Come on.
262
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:39,357
You know you're still my
Favorite activist-in-training.
263
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:44,829
Mr. Sensitive.
264
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:51,469
Stone cold likes
Them blonde with...
265
00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:57,675
my name is mr. Calorie.
266
00:12:57,743 --> 00:12:59,010
[mary] A talking scale?
267
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,279
[nicole] I know this company.
It's a diet plan
268
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,947
Targeted specifically
At unhappy teenage girls.
269
00:13:04,016 --> 00:13:06,985
I saw it on a talk show
Called horrifying trends.
270
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:09,220
Answered prayers.
271
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,222
Oh! Look!
272
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:15,426
There's an ample
And tasty meal here
273
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:18,496
Of a celery stick
And a bouillon cube.
274
00:13:18,564 --> 00:13:20,731
And a dime-sized
Breath mint for dessert.
275
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,700
Girls,
276
00:13:22,768 --> 00:13:24,735
Our contest
Begins right now.
277
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:28,439
This is our
Stone cold battle headquarters.
278
00:13:35,848 --> 00:13:37,481
Someone's got a lot of homework.
279
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,983
I'm working on
An extra-credit essay
280
00:13:40,052 --> 00:13:41,552
For english
On franny and zoe.
281
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,288
I love that book.
282
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,789
Although it's not
Salinger's best teenage symbol
283
00:13:45,858 --> 00:13:47,791
Of america gone awry.
284
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,027
That would be...
285
00:13:49,095 --> 00:13:50,761
Holden caulfield,
catcher in the rye.
286
00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:53,497
I reread that book
Every summer.
287
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:56,134
I feel like holden,
You know. Searching.
288
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:58,436
Slightly tortured.
289
00:13:58,504 --> 00:13:59,537
Okay.
290
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:02,907
That's a little
Bit too much information.
291
00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:05,909
Actually, I think
That we all feel like holden.
292
00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:07,378
[car honks]
293
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:13,083
If I'm not mistaken,
Holden was also horrified
294
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,386
And wanted to climb
Into a hole and die
295
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:17,989
When his mom
Picked him up from school.
296
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,590
Harrison.
297
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:20,791
Um...
298
00:14:20,861 --> 00:14:23,127
Do you wanna go
To the dance on friday?
299
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:29,900
Okay.
300
00:14:47,653 --> 00:14:50,988
What do I do with the baggy?
It looks like a bladder bag.
301
00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:54,359
Stick it up your sleeve
Like bobbi glass does
With her kleenex.
302
00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:58,896
Then what you do is empty it
When it starts to slosh.
303
00:14:58,964 --> 00:15:00,898
Next saturday have you
Ready for wrestling
304
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:02,433
And lookin' good
For the women.
305
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:03,801
Now, you wrap me.
306
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,108
Sugar, am I fat?
307
00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:12,576
You could tell me if I'm fat.
308
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,115
Hey.
Hello.
309
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:18,882
I tried
To call you last night.
310
00:15:18,951 --> 00:15:21,285
Oh, yeah. I went
To the mall with carmen.
311
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:24,522
I bought this amazing dress.
You're gonna flip over it.
312
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:25,957
It's a cross between
313
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:28,259
A new york jennifer
Love hewitt and a hooker.
314
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:30,828
It was totally on sale.
315
00:15:30,896 --> 00:15:34,398
What? You're not gonna be
Embarrassed to be seen with me,
316
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,934
If that's what
You're worried about.
317
00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:38,636
No. You look great.
You always look great.
318
00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:42,506
Okay. I'll see you later.
319
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:44,642
Bye.
320
00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:46,176
See you at lunch.
321
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,712
Dude, did you tell her?
322
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,281
Yeah. Yeah.
Of course I did.
323
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,350
She didn't beat
The hell out of you
324
00:15:52,418 --> 00:15:54,151
When you told her
You were forsaking
325
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:56,254
Her lack of curves
For someone more...
326
00:15:56,322 --> 00:15:57,955
Dream-bodacious than she?
327
00:15:58,023 --> 00:15:59,657
No. She was cool.
328
00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:00,824
Good man.
329
00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:02,993
Owning up to
That cherry tree.
330
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,901
Fight the tyranny, girls.
Step on a real scale.
331
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:13,171
You should weigh
At least 130.
332
00:16:13,239 --> 00:16:15,273
The santa anas
Would knock you over.
333
00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:17,107
Gain ten pounds, okay?
334
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:18,509
Next.
335
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:21,044
I can't resist a weigh-in.
Subtract at least a pound
336
00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:23,481
For the acrylic nails
And the underwire.
337
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:24,815
That's part of a bra.
338
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:30,020
You're too skinny, nicole.
Look at the chart.
339
00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:32,623
You're not
At a healthy weight.
340
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,625
These charts were obviously
Published in indiana.
341
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:37,161
Thank goodness
We have mr. Calorie,
342
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:39,263
An accurate barometer
Of our obesity.
343
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:45,069
Don't you girls get tired of
Being so "Lookist" all the time?
344
00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:46,971
You are just as misguided
345
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,608
As that stupid symbol on the
Back of your cheerleader jacket.
346
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,043
The glamazon icon
347
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,812
Reflects the size-two contour
That every girl should aim for.
348
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,680
That means you,
Busty go lightly.
349
00:16:56,749 --> 00:17:00,551
Yeah. Along with being eerily
And heinously similar
350
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,052
To a trucker mud flap,
351
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:05,823
Your symbol is an officially
Condoned image of anorexia.
352
00:17:05,891 --> 00:17:07,891
Maybe you could be a role model.
353
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,195
Demonstrate how it's
All about inner beauty for you.
354
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:13,231
I wonder if
There's a way to prove
355
00:17:13,299 --> 00:17:15,799
That you've managed
To escape the media's influence.
356
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,635
Yes. Hello. My fair lily.
357
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,503
Stop squabbling
And move this along.
358
00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:22,240
I've got a crap burning
A hole in my "Underroos."
359
00:17:22,308 --> 00:17:25,576
I need an accurate weight gauge
Before I eliminate.
360
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:27,978
I'm doing a personal
Experiment on licorice.
361
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:31,215
Emory dick is no doubt available
For friday night, lily.
362
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:33,050
Are you?
363
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:34,385
Tell you, what, hon.
364
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:38,021
If you actually appear
In public with the little dick,
365
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:39,890
I will change
The glamazon icon
366
00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:43,261
To reflect that
Of the average woman's
Tragically dumpy proportions.
367
00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:44,261
But...
368
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:46,797
If I can prove that happiness
369
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:49,033
Is related entirely to facade
370
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:52,236
By making
This tuna fish over here
371
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:55,373
Into something
Resembling that of a woman,
372
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,908
Then my glamazon archer
Stays triumphantly cadaverous.
373
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,379
Hey. Emory.
374
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,582
Wanna go to the dance?
375
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:06,917
You're in luck, ms. Esposito.
376
00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:09,287
I'm delighted to inform you
That I'm still available.
377
00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:10,588
Great.
378
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:13,657
Tuna!
379
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:15,793
Walk three paces behind me.
380
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:20,764
Let the record show
381
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:24,535
This is a war between
Inner and outer beauty.
382
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:28,106
Next.
383
00:18:28,174 --> 00:18:31,309
Don't tell lily, but I do
Wanna ask josh to the dance.
384
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:34,245
It's not just because
He is a babe.
385
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:37,047
But he's really nice.
386
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,684
I know you kind of liked him
387
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:41,852
After you gave
Him that bali-hai.
388
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:43,387
I'm wondering if you still do.
389
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:46,157
Like josh ford? No. No. No.
390
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:47,591
Anyway, I'm going with harrison.
391
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,660
Great.
392
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:53,130
I was kind of wondering,
Since you're a writer and all...
393
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,067
Help me find
The words to ask him.
394
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,604
I'm not exactly a love genius.
395
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,572
You have to be better than me.
396
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,343
The last time I tried, we ended
Up talking about lincoln logs.
397
00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:07,511
Okay.
398
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:08,946
Let's think.
399
00:19:09,014 --> 00:19:10,814
What does a gorgeous
Person worry about?
400
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,251
They worry about people
401
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,519
Only liking them
Because of their looks.
402
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:21,592
So, what I suggest you say
Is something like,
403
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,694
"Josh, I know girls
404
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:26,263
"Usually go for you because
Of your brawny shoulders
405
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:27,365
"And your tapered waist.
406
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:30,100
"But I know
You're more than that.
407
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,503
"I see the boy in junior high
408
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:34,337
"Who stayed after school
409
00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:36,640
"To help janine,
The one-armed janitor,
410
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:39,810
Pick up the chairs
Before she mopped the floors."
411
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:42,012
He actually did that?
412
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:43,981
Yeah.
413
00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:46,917
Good god, that's hot.
I've gotta get this down.
414
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:54,925
This is pathetic.
415
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:57,461
I could barely lift
The bar on the last set.
416
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,630
Well, it's almost 50 pounds.
417
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,699
You're gonna feel it
On the third set,
418
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,233
Particularly
Since you're just starting out.
419
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:04,768
How long have you been lifting?
420
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:05,969
Since seventh grade.
421
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,706
I'm on the lookout
For a date for the dance.
422
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,641
I gotta be working out.
423
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,843
You and brooke.
You definitely over?
424
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,344
Lenny kaye put it best.
425
00:20:14,413 --> 00:20:15,879
"It ain't over till it's over."
426
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:18,181
If I can just work
Off this flabby ass
427
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:19,317
And get discipline,
428
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,151
I think she'll ask me.
429
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,821
You're probably going
With mcpherson, huh?
430
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:27,024
Um... She asked me. Yeah.
431
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,868
Yo, scrub. This gym's
Reserved for the men's.
432
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,237
What are you doing here?
433
00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:42,372
Power walking.
Getting in shape for my baby.
434
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:45,243
Seems the woman of my dreams
Has been dreaming of me.
435
00:20:45,311 --> 00:20:47,878
Ms. Lily esposito
Has asked me to the dance.
436
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:49,580
She did, huh?
437
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:50,948
Good for you, emory.
438
00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:52,983
Josh, can you
Spot me again?
439
00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:54,217
Yeah.
440
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:55,853
I suggest a dream girl
Doubleheader.
441
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:59,457
You and brooke and me and lily
And a hot tub limo.
442
00:20:59,525 --> 00:21:01,058
Life doesn't get any better.
443
00:21:01,126 --> 00:21:03,293
You're going with brooke?
444
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:05,529
How did you swing that?
445
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,598
Um, she asked me.
446
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:09,567
Nice job, scrub.
Screwing over the dude
447
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:12,335
Who's saving your chicken neck
From being squashed by the bar.
448
00:21:12,404 --> 00:21:14,872
She was probably worried
No one else would ask him.
449
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,642
As a matter of fact,
Two women asked me, ford.
450
00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:20,911
Well, how can
They resist such an adonis?
451
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:22,746
You can't even lift the bar.
452
00:21:22,815 --> 00:21:23,914
Let's go, sugar.
453
00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:25,949
Wait. Josh.
454
00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:28,786
Help.
455
00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:31,989
A moment of your time.
About friday night.
456
00:21:32,057 --> 00:21:34,257
I hope you're going
With a classic, sexy look
457
00:21:34,326 --> 00:21:37,094
And not that east village
Combat-boot-with-a-gown look.
458
00:21:37,162 --> 00:21:39,430
Might I suggest
A nice front-slit dress
459
00:21:39,499 --> 00:21:40,964
To camouflage
Your unsightly calves.
460
00:21:41,033 --> 00:21:43,734
Maybe a velveteen choker to take
Attention away from your head.
461
00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:47,338
Which is slightly
Too large for your body.
462
00:21:47,407 --> 00:21:50,541
I'm gonna wear whatever
The hell I wanna wear.
463
00:21:50,610 --> 00:21:52,576
Got it, emory?
464
00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:57,347
Why did you
Invite me to the dance?
465
00:21:57,417 --> 00:21:59,750
What's the matter with you?
Why are you sweaty?
466
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,318
You invite me
Out of pity?
467
00:22:01,387 --> 00:22:03,587
Harrison, why would I pity you?
468
00:22:03,656 --> 00:22:06,189
I'm not exactly in
The josh ford category, am I?
469
00:22:06,258 --> 00:22:08,191
Or... Am I?
470
00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:09,493
What are you talking about?
471
00:22:09,562 --> 00:22:11,662
Emory rented this hot tub limo.
472
00:22:11,731 --> 00:22:14,198
Lily is begging us to
Double-date so she doesn't have
473
00:22:14,266 --> 00:22:15,800
To be alone with the dick.
474
00:22:15,868 --> 00:22:18,669
You're going with sam? I
Thought we were going together.
475
00:22:18,738 --> 00:22:20,303
Harrison.
476
00:22:23,108 --> 00:22:26,510
Brooke asked me.
But I was going to tell you.
477
00:22:26,579 --> 00:22:29,580
When? When? When you showed up
To our house with two corsages?
478
00:22:29,649 --> 00:22:31,515
I didn't wanna
Hurt your feelings.
479
00:22:31,584 --> 00:22:33,050
It's a little late for that.
480
00:22:33,118 --> 00:22:34,952
Oh, crap. This is a mess.
481
00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:36,519
So, who are you gonna take?
482
00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:38,823
Yeah, harrison.
Who are you taking to the dance?
483
00:22:38,891 --> 00:22:40,123
Sammy.
Hey.
484
00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:42,159
I would love
To go to the dance.
485
00:22:42,227 --> 00:22:44,194
But nobody's asked me.
What should I do?
486
00:22:44,263 --> 00:22:46,229
Josh,
Don't do this. Okay?
487
00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:49,500
What? You said I was free to go
With anyone I want. Remember?
488
00:22:49,569 --> 00:22:50,533
Sam.
489
00:22:50,602 --> 00:22:52,803
I know a lot of girls go for you
490
00:22:52,872 --> 00:22:55,405
Because of your brawny shoulders
And your tapered waist...
491
00:22:55,475 --> 00:22:57,307
Great. I'd love to go with you.
492
00:23:03,783 --> 00:23:05,616
Oh!
493
00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:16,526
Why harrison of all people?
494
00:23:16,596 --> 00:23:18,562
Could it be because,
Oh, I don't know,
495
00:23:18,631 --> 00:23:19,597
He belongs to me,
496
00:23:19,665 --> 00:23:21,365
He's been
My best friend for years?
497
00:23:21,434 --> 00:23:23,967
Oh, I guess I missed
That luggage tag.
498
00:23:24,036 --> 00:23:27,304
I didn't see
The "S" branded on his ass.
499
00:23:27,373 --> 00:23:29,540
While you're moving your pawns
Around your chessboard,
500
00:23:29,609 --> 00:23:32,075
You should remember harrison
Has real feelings for you.
501
00:23:32,144 --> 00:23:34,344
I am the one doing
The right thing here,
502
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:36,514
Not the superficial
Thing, like you.
503
00:23:36,582 --> 00:23:39,049
Harrison possesses the qualities
That I should be looking for.
504
00:23:39,118 --> 00:23:40,417
He's sweet. He's literate.
505
00:23:40,486 --> 00:23:43,487
He doesn't spend more time
On his hair than I do.
506
00:23:43,556 --> 00:23:44,989
What I don't understand
507
00:23:45,057 --> 00:23:48,158
Is why you're going with a guy
You have no feelings for.
508
00:23:48,227 --> 00:23:50,894
A guy you've always
Considered to be some dumb jock.
509
00:23:50,963 --> 00:23:53,831
Who says I don't have feelings
For josh that are real?
510
00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:56,233
Do you?
511
00:23:58,170 --> 00:24:00,571
Good for you, sam,
For going for it.
512
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,908
You sneak into my closet
And you wear my clothes.
513
00:24:03,976 --> 00:24:06,009
Why shouldn't you go after
All my hand-me-downs?
514
00:24:06,078 --> 00:24:08,045
You see. You still like him.
515
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:09,980
You're worried
That you made a mistake.
516
00:24:10,049 --> 00:24:12,683
You can't handle
He's going with me to the dance.
517
00:24:12,752 --> 00:24:14,618
Brooke, you're so transparent.
518
00:24:14,687 --> 00:24:15,786
Fine. All right.
519
00:24:15,855 --> 00:24:18,321
Just to prove
I have him out of my system,
520
00:24:18,390 --> 00:24:19,457
Let's all go together.
521
00:24:19,525 --> 00:24:20,991
We'll do some fun, slammi''
522
00:24:21,060 --> 00:24:22,860
Emory dick hot tub action.
523
00:24:22,928 --> 00:24:24,028
- fine.
- fine.
524
00:24:24,096 --> 00:24:25,729
- good.
- done. Whatever.
525
00:24:25,798 --> 00:24:28,132
I'm really looking forward
To going with josh.
526
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:31,368
He's ready
For someone more mature.
527
00:24:31,436 --> 00:24:34,738
Mature? You? Please.
You still wear training bras.
528
00:24:34,807 --> 00:24:37,708
Well, if that isn't the pot
Calling the kettle flat.
529
00:25:00,365 --> 00:25:03,667
So, ladies, a little birdie
Told the fox here
530
00:25:03,736 --> 00:25:06,003
That you popular teases
Got a little gamble going.
531
00:25:06,071 --> 00:25:09,173
I'm the brass ring
At the end of a bet.
532
00:25:09,241 --> 00:25:12,075
Makes me feel
Like a piece of meat.
533
00:25:12,144 --> 00:25:13,911
I like that feeling.
534
00:25:15,681 --> 00:25:17,648
Just remember, stone cold.
535
00:25:17,717 --> 00:25:20,984
I like my meat rrr-rare.
536
00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:23,420
Hey, stone cold.
537
00:25:23,488 --> 00:25:25,656
Are you familiar
With a country called ecuador?
538
00:25:25,725 --> 00:25:28,392
'cause I could
Buy it for you.
539
00:25:28,460 --> 00:25:30,293
When am I getting
An invite, ladies?
540
00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:33,263
Listen, stone cold.
Keep the faith.
541
00:25:33,332 --> 00:25:35,299
Show up at the dance
Ready and oiled.
542
00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:37,301
One of us
Will glide toward you.
543
00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:38,602
Take you
By the hand.
544
00:25:38,671 --> 00:25:40,538
Feel you up.
545
00:25:40,606 --> 00:25:44,307
That's the lady that done
Brung you to the dance.
546
00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:46,443
All right. See ya.
547
00:25:49,849 --> 00:25:51,181
You know,
I was thinking.
548
00:25:51,250 --> 00:25:52,583
The new glamazon icon.
549
00:25:52,652 --> 00:25:55,052
We should go
With a woman of substance.
550
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:56,319
Say, I don't know.
551
00:25:56,388 --> 00:25:57,855
Mm. Janet reno.
552
00:26:01,827 --> 00:26:03,060
The novak, after school.
553
00:26:03,129 --> 00:26:06,797
Final weigh-in
And makeover. Be there.
554
00:26:06,866 --> 00:26:08,832
[carmen] I chickened out.
I couldn't ask him.
555
00:26:08,901 --> 00:26:10,367
But I've got a new strategy.
556
00:26:10,435 --> 00:26:12,202
I go stag.
557
00:26:12,271 --> 00:26:14,471
Josh goes stag.
558
00:26:14,539 --> 00:26:16,874
I show up
Super-empowered and casual.
559
00:26:16,942 --> 00:26:19,409
I happen upon him
At the punch table
560
00:26:19,478 --> 00:26:21,511
And invite him
To shake his groove thang.
561
00:26:21,581 --> 00:26:24,714
Yeah, but
Josh isn't going stag.
562
00:26:24,784 --> 00:26:26,083
Oh, my god.
563
00:26:26,151 --> 00:26:28,752
Please, don't tell me
That they are back together.
564
00:26:28,821 --> 00:26:31,288
Don't tell me that
I miss the 15 minutes
565
00:26:31,356 --> 00:26:33,757
When he and brooke
Were actually broken up.
566
00:26:33,826 --> 00:26:35,358
He isn't going with brooke.
567
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:36,827
He's going with sam.
568
00:26:38,430 --> 00:26:40,130
She didn't tell you.
569
00:27:12,632 --> 00:27:15,598
I asked if you were over josh
And you said you were.
570
00:27:15,667 --> 00:27:18,135
I was, but I didn't
Wanna get in your way.
571
00:27:18,203 --> 00:27:19,402
And you never asked him.
572
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:21,438
Hello. I tried
Time and time again.
573
00:27:21,507 --> 00:27:24,975
Not all of us are endowed
With your quicksilver tongue.
574
00:27:25,044 --> 00:27:26,609
You're such a hypocrite.
575
00:27:26,678 --> 00:27:28,578
Carmen, he asked me, okay?
576
00:27:30,382 --> 00:27:31,781
Look. I'm coming clean here.
577
00:27:31,850 --> 00:27:34,584
I did the asking.
But he told me to ask him.
578
00:27:34,654 --> 00:27:37,587
Carmen, I wish it didn't
Turn out this way.
579
00:27:37,657 --> 00:27:39,923
I wish josh were going
With you, but...
580
00:27:39,992 --> 00:27:43,226
But he's not.
He's going with you.
581
00:27:43,295 --> 00:27:48,798
Yeah. I'm ashamed to say that
I actually wanna go with him.
582
00:27:50,635 --> 00:27:52,235
It makes me feel...
583
00:27:52,304 --> 00:27:54,571
Pretty.
584
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:56,406
Right?
585
00:28:00,579 --> 00:28:03,947
I'm so sick of being the girl
With the personality.
586
00:28:17,629 --> 00:28:19,562
I hate my thighs.
587
00:28:22,067 --> 00:28:24,934
Me, too.
I hate my thighs.
588
00:28:25,004 --> 00:28:27,404
Yeah. Well, I hate my skin.
589
00:28:27,472 --> 00:28:29,773
Yeah. Well, I hate my mouth.
590
00:28:29,842 --> 00:28:32,142
And I hate my fat hands.
591
00:28:34,513 --> 00:28:36,279
I hate my body.
592
00:28:38,851 --> 00:28:40,150
I gave her a blow-out
593
00:28:40,219 --> 00:28:42,886
That would have straightened
The pacific coast highway.
594
00:28:42,955 --> 00:28:46,323
That's scary. April tuna
Is the black hole of beauty.
595
00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:47,524
No!
596
00:28:47,592 --> 00:28:50,527
She's the ultimate
Makeover challenge.
597
00:28:50,595 --> 00:28:52,062
Listen up, chicken of the sea.
598
00:28:52,131 --> 00:28:53,163
Our glamazon icon,
599
00:28:53,232 --> 00:28:55,565
Our very lifestyle philosophy,
Is at risk here.
600
00:28:55,634 --> 00:28:57,800
And I don't lose. Got it?
601
00:28:57,869 --> 00:29:00,337
Get ready to strike
A pose. Or else.
602
00:29:53,258 --> 00:29:55,292
Oh, dear god.
603
00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:57,260
Please let
My invisible pill kick in.
604
00:29:57,329 --> 00:29:59,829
Harrison,
I left my corsage.
605
00:29:59,898 --> 00:30:02,933
Could you pin it on me
Before we get to the dance?
606
00:30:03,002 --> 00:30:03,967
Yeah.
607
00:30:04,036 --> 00:30:05,535
Sure, brooke.
Great.
608
00:30:05,604 --> 00:30:06,636
Glad to help.
609
00:30:06,705 --> 00:30:08,371
Such a gentleman, huh?
610
00:30:10,242 --> 00:30:12,475
Is something wrong? Ow.
611
00:30:12,544 --> 00:30:14,611
No. No, it's cool.
612
00:30:14,679 --> 00:30:15,712
Just a little stiff.
613
00:30:15,780 --> 00:30:17,281
Yeah, I bet you are.
614
00:30:17,349 --> 00:30:19,382
I'm gonna tell you once.
Watch your mouth.
615
00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:24,654
Sam, you look absolutely
Beautiful in your dress tonight.
616
00:30:24,723 --> 00:30:26,589
We're gonna dance
Our asses off.
617
00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:28,658
I can hardly wait.
618
00:30:28,727 --> 00:30:31,561
[hissing]
619
00:30:31,630 --> 00:30:32,662
Um...
620
00:30:32,731 --> 00:30:36,066
Sorry.
I was just cold.
621
00:30:38,537 --> 00:30:40,838
Ow. Ow. Ow! Ow.
622
00:30:40,906 --> 00:30:42,605
Ow.
623
00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:44,774
Okay. That's it!
Stop the car.
624
00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:47,845
Harrison, you and I
Are gonna finish this right now.
625
00:30:47,913 --> 00:30:49,379
[tires screech]
626
00:30:49,448 --> 00:30:50,580
Bring it on.
627
00:30:50,649 --> 00:30:52,315
Harrison.
628
00:30:54,519 --> 00:30:56,119
My god.
629
00:31:07,666 --> 00:31:09,967
Couldn't even wait till
The bed was cold, huh?
630
00:31:10,035 --> 00:31:11,268
That the best you got?
631
00:31:11,336 --> 00:31:13,636
I expected more
From mr. Big man on campus.
632
00:31:13,705 --> 00:31:15,906
I don't see you throwing
Any punches, james dean.
633
00:31:20,645 --> 00:31:22,111
Are you okay?
634
00:31:22,181 --> 00:31:23,646
No, I'm not.
635
00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:26,349
It's this sweat-it-off system.
I'm dehydrated.
636
00:31:26,418 --> 00:31:28,451
It's my 18th baggy.
637
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:32,322
Well, I've been working out
For three days straight.
638
00:31:32,391 --> 00:31:34,657
It hurts to breathe.
639
00:31:40,131 --> 00:31:41,731
Now what?
640
00:31:48,207 --> 00:31:49,139
Drive.
641
00:31:49,208 --> 00:31:50,573
Wait. What happened?
642
00:31:52,277 --> 00:31:55,044
Harrison popped me in the jaw.
Didn't you, harrison?
643
00:31:56,781 --> 00:31:59,082
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
I'd do it again.
644
00:31:59,151 --> 00:32:00,150
Harrison, you fought?
645
00:32:00,219 --> 00:32:02,051
He deserved it.
646
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:04,087
Interesting.
I hate violence.
647
00:32:23,542 --> 00:32:25,142
Ladies, the final weigh-in.
648
00:32:38,457 --> 00:32:40,557
Mr. Calorie,
The results, please.
649
00:32:40,625 --> 00:32:43,060
your results, heifers,
are identical.
650
00:32:43,128 --> 00:32:45,862
Damn! We weigh
The same again.
651
00:32:45,930 --> 00:32:48,831
It's because we haven't eaten
Anything in three days.
652
00:32:48,900 --> 00:32:52,302
I never should have snuck
That sip of water last night.
653
00:32:52,371 --> 00:32:54,338
Who gets stone cold
If it's a draw?
654
00:32:54,406 --> 00:32:57,507
Girls, I have a proposition.
655
00:32:57,576 --> 00:33:01,344
I have here in my insanely
Expensive mink evening bag
656
00:33:01,413 --> 00:33:04,714
The strongest laxative
The world has ever known.
657
00:33:04,783 --> 00:33:06,716
Only the pentagon
And an elephant keeper
658
00:33:06,785 --> 00:33:10,052
At the national zoo
Know its secret formula.
659
00:33:10,121 --> 00:33:12,789
Its street name,
660
00:33:12,857 --> 00:33:14,791
Convulse.
661
00:33:14,859 --> 00:33:17,227
Is it safe?
Not that it matters.
662
00:33:17,296 --> 00:33:19,763
Not as safe as an h-bomb.
But it's effective.
663
00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:21,164
Now we all...
664
00:33:21,233 --> 00:33:24,968
Take equal doses and weigh in
At the dance in one hour.
665
00:33:25,037 --> 00:33:28,271
Whoever has the most successful
Diuretic experience
666
00:33:28,340 --> 00:33:30,407
Wins the stone cold booty.
667
00:33:30,475 --> 00:33:31,441
Do we agree?
668
00:33:37,949 --> 00:33:40,984
Nic, grab your wild-eyed
Eliza doolittle.
669
00:33:42,921 --> 00:33:43,853
Tuna!
670
00:33:47,626 --> 00:33:48,791
Let's roll.
671
00:33:51,162 --> 00:33:53,396
Come on, frankentuna.
672
00:33:53,465 --> 00:33:54,931
Time to show off
Our experiment
673
00:33:54,999 --> 00:33:57,700
And get lily to kiss
My triumphant ass.
674
00:33:59,504 --> 00:34:01,271
[whistles]
675
00:34:05,110 --> 00:34:06,409
Okay.
Where's stone cold?
676
00:34:06,478 --> 00:34:08,177
When he sees
How good we look,
677
00:34:08,247 --> 00:34:09,779
He'll be putty
In our hands.
678
00:34:09,848 --> 00:34:12,282
[mary] Mirror,
Mirror on the wall,
679
00:34:12,351 --> 00:34:14,884
Who's the fairest
Of them all?
680
00:34:14,953 --> 00:34:18,121
I am. I feel pretty.
Pretty horny.
681
00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:53,590
Are you okay?
You feel kinda hot.
682
00:34:53,658 --> 00:34:55,958
I'm fine. I'm fine.
683
00:34:56,027 --> 00:34:57,860
Okay.
684
00:34:57,929 --> 00:34:59,896
You think brooke
And harrison will figure out
685
00:34:59,964 --> 00:35:03,266
The only reason we're here is
Strictly for revenge purposes?
686
00:35:03,335 --> 00:35:05,101
No. I think
We fooled them.
687
00:35:11,743 --> 00:35:13,843
[hissing]
688
00:35:13,912 --> 00:35:16,613
Did you eat something
You're allergic to?
689
00:35:16,682 --> 00:35:19,416
Um... Excuse me.
690
00:35:21,720 --> 00:35:24,621
Um... Do you wanna dance?
691
00:35:24,690 --> 00:35:26,889
Um. I'd love to. But I...
692
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:29,091
I can't turn my neck.
I'm so stiff.
693
00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:30,894
I think I'm paralyzed.
Oh, my god.
694
00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:32,195
Should we call an ambulance?
695
00:35:32,264 --> 00:35:34,564
This is self-induced.
I lifted too much.
696
00:35:34,633 --> 00:35:37,667
To impress you and myself.
697
00:35:37,736 --> 00:35:38,902
Harrison.
698
00:35:38,970 --> 00:35:41,938
You didn't need to change
Your body to impress me.
699
00:35:42,006 --> 00:35:44,908
Didn't I? I've been standi''
In front of you for years
700
00:35:44,976 --> 00:35:47,109
And you never
Noticed me as me.
701
00:35:47,178 --> 00:35:48,711
Why the sudden change?
702
00:35:53,184 --> 00:35:54,617
You're right.
703
00:35:54,686 --> 00:35:58,288
I guess this wasn't
Very well thought out, was it?
704
00:35:58,357 --> 00:36:01,391
So I was just a pity invite.
705
00:36:01,460 --> 00:36:02,459
No, harrison.
706
00:36:02,528 --> 00:36:04,694
Not at all.
707
00:36:04,763 --> 00:36:08,331
Oh, god. I keep
Thinking that...
708
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:10,400
I can either have...
709
00:36:10,469 --> 00:36:12,569
Physical attraction or
Intellectual attraction.
710
00:36:12,637 --> 00:36:14,871
But I can't have both.
My problem is
711
00:36:14,940 --> 00:36:17,106
That I need to stop
Being so biased
712
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:18,875
And stop compartmentalizing.
713
00:36:18,944 --> 00:36:22,179
I'm in the brains department
But not the hot bin?
714
00:36:24,583 --> 00:36:26,283
Would you wanna
Go out with me,
715
00:36:26,351 --> 00:36:30,153
You know, date me
If I wasn't...
716
00:36:30,222 --> 00:36:32,021
If you weren't pretty?
717
00:36:33,958 --> 00:36:34,924
Yeah.
718
00:36:38,062 --> 00:36:39,362
Thought so.
719
00:36:41,566 --> 00:36:44,801
I'll go get you
Some advil, okay?
720
00:36:47,138 --> 00:36:48,471
We'll do this
Another night.
721
00:37:10,261 --> 00:37:11,328
Where is lily?
722
00:37:11,396 --> 00:37:14,063
And tuna
And stone cold.
723
00:37:14,132 --> 00:37:15,264
Oh, my god!
724
00:37:15,334 --> 00:37:17,500
Is convulse also
A hallucinogenic?
725
00:37:20,839 --> 00:37:23,172
Tuna! What are you doing?
726
00:37:23,242 --> 00:37:25,174
Lose the facade,
We lose the bet.
727
00:37:25,244 --> 00:37:27,277
My date objected
To the beauty industry
728
00:37:27,346 --> 00:37:28,344
Slight of hand.
729
00:37:28,413 --> 00:37:30,747
He was willing to buy me as is.
730
00:37:30,815 --> 00:37:32,915
[all] Your date?
731
00:37:32,984 --> 00:37:35,718
Tired of woman who only see me
For my muscular definition.
732
00:37:35,787 --> 00:37:39,221
April tuna is the first
Woman to see my soul.
733
00:37:40,325 --> 00:37:43,526
[gurgling]
734
00:37:51,502 --> 00:37:55,171
Josh, would you like to dance?
735
00:38:00,379 --> 00:38:01,544
Josh?
736
00:38:04,015 --> 00:38:04,981
Josh.
737
00:38:05,049 --> 00:38:08,050
Okay. So let me
Get this straight.
738
00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:10,620
You tell me
That my legs suck
739
00:38:10,689 --> 00:38:12,421
And that I have
A lollipop head.
740
00:38:12,491 --> 00:38:14,657
Yet, you're
The one who's hurt.
741
00:38:14,726 --> 00:38:15,825
Just because you have
742
00:38:15,894 --> 00:38:18,094
Special aquaman-hearing
Or whatever you call it
743
00:38:18,162 --> 00:38:20,630
And you heard me say
I wished I was invisible?
744
00:38:20,699 --> 00:38:23,867
Look.
I say dumb things, okay?
745
00:38:23,935 --> 00:38:26,269
Around women
As beautiful as you,
746
00:38:26,338 --> 00:38:28,571
I'm awkward.
747
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:31,440
Emory, come on.
748
00:38:31,510 --> 00:38:33,009
Let's just go dance, okay?
749
00:38:33,078 --> 00:38:34,611
Only in the shadows, right?
750
00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:37,080
So no one really knows
That you're with me.
751
00:38:37,148 --> 00:38:40,783
No. Come on.
You're totally overreacting.
752
00:38:40,852 --> 00:38:44,020
Am I? Look me in the eye.
Tell me it's not true
753
00:38:44,088 --> 00:38:46,756
The only reason you're going
With me to this dance
754
00:38:46,825 --> 00:38:48,558
Is because
I'm just a political stance.
755
00:38:51,096 --> 00:38:52,228
Thought so.
756
00:38:54,098 --> 00:38:55,197
Here.
757
00:38:55,266 --> 00:38:58,200
I'm ducking home.
758
00:38:58,269 --> 00:39:00,136
But I wanted you
To have these.
759
00:39:00,204 --> 00:39:03,405
Beautiful flowers
For a beautiful lady.
760
00:39:03,474 --> 00:39:05,675
At least on the outside.
761
00:39:11,282 --> 00:39:14,517
I feel like I just smoked
75 cigarettes,
762
00:39:14,586 --> 00:39:16,853
Drank a dozen pots
Of french roast
763
00:39:16,922 --> 00:39:18,988
And topped it off
With jalapeño nachos.
764
00:39:19,057 --> 00:39:20,757
I feel like
I just gave birth
765
00:39:20,825 --> 00:39:24,226
To every
Internal organ I have.
766
00:39:24,295 --> 00:39:25,662
And all this
For what?
767
00:39:25,731 --> 00:39:29,866
A hunk of metal and a guy
Who flunked long division.
768
00:39:29,934 --> 00:39:33,069
Girls, maybe, uh...
769
00:39:33,137 --> 00:39:35,872
Maybe it's time we end
This scale's tyranny
770
00:39:35,940 --> 00:39:39,842
Over our otherwise
Happy-go-lucky adolescence.
771
00:39:43,982 --> 00:39:45,147
ow.
772
00:39:45,216 --> 00:39:47,484
What the hell
Is in your purse?
773
00:39:47,552 --> 00:39:48,651
A sledgehammer?
774
00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:50,519
Yes. I carry it in my bag
775
00:39:50,589 --> 00:39:53,556
In case I stroll by a car
That's more expensive than mine
776
00:39:53,625 --> 00:39:57,059
So I can give
A little offender a good ding.
777
00:39:58,596 --> 00:40:00,229
You thinkin'
What I'm thinkin'?
778
00:40:03,068 --> 00:40:04,066
Mr. Calorie...
779
00:40:06,838 --> 00:40:08,671
It's hammer time.
780
00:40:14,946 --> 00:40:17,947
Sip your o.J.
Slowly, joshua.
781
00:40:18,016 --> 00:40:21,418
Your blood sugar
Is gonna be fine in no time.
782
00:40:21,486 --> 00:40:23,520
Yes, ma'am.
783
00:40:23,588 --> 00:40:26,388
Wow. This is a fun dance
Where nobody dances.
784
00:40:26,457 --> 00:40:29,258
But we had quite
An evening. Eh, gang?
785
00:40:29,327 --> 00:40:31,127
Sweat baggies.
786
00:40:31,195 --> 00:40:33,963
Elephant laxatives.
787
00:40:34,032 --> 00:40:37,299
A hindenburg
Lingerie disaster.
788
00:40:37,368 --> 00:40:40,970
Lifting weights
To the point of paralysis.
789
00:40:41,039 --> 00:40:42,972
Do you really think
Those things
790
00:40:43,041 --> 00:40:45,074
Make you more attractive
To the opposite sex?
791
00:40:49,380 --> 00:40:51,748
Damn. Did they leave?
792
00:40:51,816 --> 00:40:54,550
Oh, no. No, principal hall.
I'm sorry.
793
00:40:54,618 --> 00:40:56,819
I guess...
To answer your question,
794
00:40:56,888 --> 00:40:59,488
I think
We do these things
795
00:40:59,558 --> 00:41:01,357
Because we all
Just wanna feel loved.
796
00:41:02,460 --> 00:41:04,461
I am not young.
I am not thin.
797
00:41:04,529 --> 00:41:05,594
And I suspect
798
00:41:05,664 --> 00:41:08,498
I look nothing
Like the women in the magazines.
799
00:41:08,567 --> 00:41:11,968
But my beloved husband, olaf,
Fell in love with me.
800
00:41:12,037 --> 00:41:14,236
All right.
I lost my sight
801
00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:16,605
To diabetes
Four years ago.
802
00:41:16,675 --> 00:41:20,276
And when I did, a dark shadow
Fell over my life.
803
00:41:20,344 --> 00:41:22,011
I thought
My life was over.
804
00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:26,249
And then olaf walked in
To my support group
805
00:41:26,317 --> 00:41:28,918
And my curse
Became a blessing.
806
00:41:28,987 --> 00:41:31,353
Because for the first
Time in my life,
807
00:41:31,422 --> 00:41:33,689
I learned
That in a perfect world,
808
00:41:33,758 --> 00:41:37,126
A person falls in love
Not because of a pretty face...
809
00:41:38,697 --> 00:41:40,830
But because of a heart.
810
00:41:44,903 --> 00:41:46,969
[whistles]
811
00:41:53,845 --> 00:41:57,079
[♪♪ slow doo-wop]
812
00:41:58,616 --> 00:42:02,084
Cecilia, baby.
They're playing our song.
813
00:42:02,153 --> 00:42:04,186
May I have this dance?
814
00:42:04,255 --> 00:42:06,388
Oh, well.
This is a dance.
815
00:42:06,457 --> 00:42:08,791
Somebody's got to do it.
816
00:42:08,860 --> 00:42:13,395
♪ forever ♪
817
00:42:14,699 --> 00:42:20,669
♪ we will be together ♪
818
00:42:20,739 --> 00:42:22,872
Carmen,
May I have this dance?
819
00:42:22,941 --> 00:42:29,178
♪ like the poets all say ♪
820
00:42:29,247 --> 00:42:36,018
♪ forever and a day ♪
821
00:42:36,087 --> 00:42:38,087
Hey, lily.
822
00:42:38,156 --> 00:42:39,789
Hey.
823
00:42:39,858 --> 00:42:42,158
Time to bargain.
824
00:42:42,226 --> 00:42:46,495
If we did fashion
A kinder, gentler glamazon,
825
00:42:46,564 --> 00:42:50,166
Could you live with 135 pounds
And a size eight?
826
00:42:50,234 --> 00:42:51,701
A-cup?
827
00:42:51,770 --> 00:42:52,802
C.
828
00:42:52,871 --> 00:42:54,937
Not budging
On that one, hon.
829
00:42:56,975 --> 00:42:58,707
Deal.
830
00:42:58,777 --> 00:43:00,877
All righty, then.
831
00:43:00,945 --> 00:43:06,783
♪ forever and a day ♪
832
00:43:06,851 --> 00:43:11,220
♪ forever and a day ♪
833
00:43:12,857 --> 00:43:16,325
♪♪ [saxophone solo]
834
00:43:32,543 --> 00:43:36,145
♪ to bend and not to break ♪
835
00:43:36,214 --> 00:43:39,982
♪ chin up, try not to quake ♪
836
00:43:40,051 --> 00:43:43,552
♪ I'm grinning on the outside ♪
837
00:43:43,621 --> 00:43:47,423
♪ but I'm a wreck internally ♪
838
00:43:49,493 --> 00:43:53,029
♪ ooh, la la la la ♪
839
00:43:56,901 --> 00:44:01,003
♪ ooh, la la la la ♪